⚠️ DISCLAIMER: This is a work of satire and fiction from The Rainsavers universe, a pulp adventure series where eco-heroes fight ridiculous villains. Nazis are objectively the worst, and this post exists purely to mock fictional bad guys getting wrecked by good guys. No actual moonbases were reviewed. We checked.

Schwarze Sonne Research Facility

📍 Dark Side of the Moon (literally)
💀 Permanently Closed (thanks to certain eco-heroes)

Overall Rating: 1.8 stars ⭐⭐ (47 reviews)

"Would not recommend. Got punched by an orangutan."

Featured Reviews

⭐⭐ "Great architecture, weird vibes, someone stole my jacket"

ReviewerX_2024 · 1 review · 0 photos

Okay so I was doing some freelance "consulting" (don't ask) and ended up at this moonbase. First impressions? Actually impressive. The architecture is very brutalist-meets-evil-lair. Lots of chrome. Very clean floors. Someone clearly has a thing for symmetry.

BUT. The staff? Extremely aggressive about dress codes. I showed up in casual Friday attire and got a 40-minute lecture about "discipline" and "the old ways." Sir, I just wanted to use the bathroom.

Also, the cafeteria only serves one thing and it's some kind of protein paste. Asked for hot sauce. Got escorted out.

Pros: Free parking (it's the moon, where else would you go)
Cons: Weird chanting at 3 AM, no WiFi, everyone talks like a 1940s propaganda film

Was this review helpful? 👍 12 👎 3

⭐ "Infiltrated this place. 0/10. Would not infiltrate again."

SunbyteActual · 3 reviews · 2 photos

Let me be clear: I was HERE ON BUSINESS. Eco-hero business. Hacking their systems, downloading their evil plans, the usual Tuesday.

This facility is a NIGHTMARE for anyone trying to do covert ops. Every hallway looks the same. Every door requires a different keycard. I spent 45 minutes in what I thought was a server room and it turned out to be a broom closet with a really intimidating mop.

The security system is ancient. Like, literally running on 1945 technology that someone duct-taped to modern servers. Took me six minutes to crack. Embarrassing for them, honestly.

Got caught eventually because SOMEONE (Alpha) decided to start a food fight in the mess hall as a "distraction."

The escape was fine. Primal threw a guy through a wall. Standard Tuesday.

Would I return? Only to watch it explode.

Was this review helpful? 👍 89 👎 1

⭐⭐⭐ "Impressive facilities, but the management has… issues"

Anonymous_Contractor_7 · 1 review

I did some engineering work here before I knew what the deal was. Look, the contract said "lunar research facility" and the pay was good. I didn't ask questions.

The construction quality is actually solid. Whoever built this place knew what they were doing, pressurized domes, artificial gravity generators, the works. From a purely technical standpoint? Chef's kiss.

But then I attended the mandatory "orientation" and it got weird FAST. There were flags. There were speeches. Someone used the phrase "glorious return" unironically.

I finished my contract and left. Quickly.

Update: Just heard the whole place got raided by some team with a genius orangutan and a guy who can lift trucks. Good. Burn it down. Well, not literally, there's no oxygen on the moon. You know what I mean.

Was this review helpful? 👍 34 👎 0

⭐ "my cousin works here and honestly? embarrassing"

MoonTruthSeeker99 · 12 reviews · 0 photos

My cousin Klaus got recruited by these guys and now family dinners are UNBEARABLE. All he talks about is "the mission" and "restoring order" and I'm like bro you literally live in a bunker on the moon eating paste.

I visited once. ONCE. The whole vibe is like if a history museum exhibit about bad decisions became sentient and built a space station. Everyone walks around in these dramatic uniforms looking extremely serious about things that are objectively ridiculous.

Also they have this whole obsession with some ancient artifact stuff? Red crystals? I don't know, I stopped listening after Klaus started a PowerPoint presentation at Thanksgiving.

Anyway, heard the place got shut down. Klaus is "regrouping." We're all pretending to be supportive but honestly this is what happens when you join a cult with a lunar real estate problem.

Pros: The view of Earth is actually pretty nice
Cons: Everything else. Literally everything else.

Was this review helpful? 👍 67 👎 2

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ "GLORIOUS FACILITY. PERFECT OPERATIONS. HAIL, "

TrueBeliver1945 · 1 review

[This review has been removed for violating Yelp's community guidelines regarding hate speech, historical revisionism, and being extremely cringe.]

Was this review helpful? 👍 0 👎 847

⭐ "They messed with the wrong rainforest."

AlphaOrangenius · 2 reviews · 14 photos (all snacks)

🍌🍌🍌

Okay so the team said I should write a "professional review" but I'm an orangutan and I do what I want.

This place? Bad. Very bad. Not because of the moon stuff, moon is fine, very quiet, good for thinking. Bad because these guys were funding the corporations destroying MY rainforest. MY trees. MY snack sources.

So we showed up. I personally disabled seventeen security systems using a combination of advanced hacking and hitting things until they stopped working. Primal handled the "heavy lifting" (he threw a generator). Sunbyte did computer stuff. West had a plan that became a different plan that became "everyone run."

Standard mission.

Food review: Their cafeteria paste is 0/10. No texture. No joy. I found a single banana in a storage locker and it was FROZEN. Disrespectful.

Facility review: Good ventilation systems. Bad ideology. Would destroy again.

Final thoughts: If you're an evil organization, maybe don't mess with the planet that has all the good fruit.

Was this review helpful? 👍 412 👎 0

📋 Business Response from Management

Schwarze Sonne Facility Management · Owner

We appreciate all feedback and are committed to,

[This response was interrupted when the facility lost power, experienced multiple hull breaches, and was forcibly evacuated after an encounter with an eco-hero strike team. Management is currently "regrouping" at an undisclosed location.]

Questions & Answers

Q: Is this place still open?
A: No. It got wrecked. Thoroughly.

Q: Who were those people with the orangutan?
A: The Rainsavers. Long story. Great story, actually.

Q: Were there really Nazis on the moon?
A: In this fictional universe, yes. And they got exactly what they deserved.

Q: Can I visit?
A: It's debris now. So technically yes, but you'd need a spacecraft and a really good reason.

The Heroes Behind the Destruction

The Rainsavers aren't your typical heroes. They're a team of eco-warriors with abilities born from the Amazon rainforest itself: fighting corporate greed, ancient conspiracies, and yes, occasionally, secret moon bases run by the absolute worst people in history.

Their mission? Save the planet. Punch fascists. Eat snacks (Alpha's priority, specifically).

The moonbase raid is just one chapter in a six-book adventure series that spans from the Amazon to Antarctica, from underground bunkers to orbital stations. If you're into found-family dynamics, environmental themes wrapped in action-adventure packaging, and villains who absolutely deserve what's coming to them: this is your series.

Want to meet the team that made this moonbase a pile of space rubble?

👉 Check out the full crew at rainsavers.com/characters

Ready for the Full Adventure?

The Rainsavers is a six-book environmental thriller series where the heroes are weird, the villains are worse, and the rainforest fights back.

Start the journey at rainsavers.com 🌿

Because some stories save more than just your reading list.