[TITLE CARD: FADED VHS STATIC]
FADE IN on a conference room. Someone has clearly tried to make it look professional. There are potted plants. One is on fire. No one acknowledges this.
WELCOME TO THE RAINSAVERS: YOUR MANDATORY ORIENTATION
[TIMESTAMP: 00:00:14]
A man in a slightly-too-tight polo shirt smiles at the camera. His name tag reads "LEONARD WEST – COMPLIANCE LIAISON (TEMPORARY)." Behind him, something crashes. He does not turn around.
LEONARD: Welcome to The Rainsavers! If you're watching this, congratulations, you've been selected to join Earth's most unconventional planetary defense team.
He pauses. Adjusts his collar.
LEONARD: This video is required viewing for all new recruits. Yes, even you, Primal. Especially you.
SECTION 1: GENERAL WORKPLACE CONDUCT
[TIMESTAMP: 00:01:32]
Let's start with the basics.
Do:
- Report to your assigned mission briefings on time
- Maintain professional respect for all teammates, regardless of species
- Use the buddy system when entering unstable reactor zones
Do NOT:
- Challenge Alpha to chess "just to see what happens" (See Incident Report #47)
- Use the phrase "What's the worst that could happen?" within 500 meters of any laboratory
- Bring outside snacks into Dr. Mubari's workspace without written permission and a signed liability waiver
LEONARD (V.O.): We're a family here. A weird, dysfunctional family with access to experimental technology and unresolved trauma. Let's act like it.
SECTION 2: DNA MIXING POLICY
[TIMESTAMP: 00:03:45]
The screen cuts to a stock image of a double helix. Someone has drawn a frowny face on it in marker.
This section exists because of multiple incidents.
Official Policy:
DNA mixing, splicing, borrowing, "just seeing what happens," or any form of genetic experimentation requires:
- Written approval from at least two (2) senior team members
- A completed Environmental Impact Assessment
- Proof that you have NOT already started the experiment
LEONARD (V.O.): If you're reading this after you've already mixed something, please proceed directly to Containment Bay 7 and await further instructions. Do not pass the cafeteria. Do not collect snacks.
Specific Notes:
- Primal: We appreciate your enthusiasm. Please stop.
- Dr. Mubari: Your "controlled conditions" are not controlled if you forgot to close the door again.
- Everyone else: If something in the lab starts talking and it wasn't talking before, this is not a breakthrough. This is a problem.
SECTION 3: MOONBASE CONDUCT GUIDELINES
[TIMESTAMP: 00:06:12]
The screen shows a grainy photograph of what appears to be a lunar installation. There are visible swastika remnants someone has attempted to paint over with cheerful sunflowers.
Look. We all know about the moonbase. We don't love that it exists. But sometimes missions require us to be there, and when that happens, professionalism is key.
Moonbase Do's and Don'ts:
| DO | DON'T |
|---|---|
| Maintain radio contact at all times | Touch the artifacts |
| Document everything you see | Touch the other artifacts |
| Use the designated airlocks | Ask "what does this button do?" |
| Report unusual sounds immediately | Investigate unusual sounds alone |
LEONARD (V.O.): We cannot stress this enough: nothing on that moonbase is a souvenir.
If it glows, leave it. If it hums, leave it. If it whispers your name in a language that shouldn't exist, absolutely leave it, and file Form 19-B upon return.
A Note About Red Mercury:
Don't.
Just… don't.
SECTION 4: WORKING WITH NON-HUMAN TEAMMATES
[TIMESTAMP: 00:09:27]
Cut to a picture of Alpha the orangutan. He is wearing reading glasses and appears to be judging the viewer.
The Rainsavers is proud to be an inclusive, multi-species organization. This means respecting the unique needs and communication styles of all team members.
Guidelines for Working with Alpha:
- Alpha is smarter than you. Accept this early; it saves time.
- Do not attempt to explain technology to Alpha. He designed most of it.
- If Alpha sighs heavily during your presentation, consider revising your presentation.
- Bananas are appreciated but not required. He finds the assumption offensive.
ALPHA (SUBTITLE): [Signs] I have three PhDs. Stop asking if I want the "special treats."
Guidelines for Working with Jungle Dart:
- Jungle Dart moves fast. Do not take it personally if she's already solved the problem before you've finished describing it.
- Her trap-detection abilities are not a party trick. Stop asking for demonstrations.
- If she says "don't step there," do not step there.
SECTION 5: COMMUNICATION PROTOCOLS
[TIMESTAMP: 00:12:03]
Sunbyte and Digital Communications:
All team communications are monitored for security purposes. This is standard. What is not standard is the following:
- Sunbyte's search history is classified at the highest level. Do not ask.
- If you receive a message from an unknown sender promising "unlimited power" or "ancient secrets," do not click the link. Forward it to Sunbyte. She's probably already handling it.
- The team group chat is for mission-critical updates only. The meme channel exists for a reason.
LEONARD (V.O.): We've had to disable the GIF function twice. You know why.
SECTION 6: EMERGENCY PROCEDURES
[TIMESTAMP: 00:14:38]
In the event of an emergency, please follow these protocols:
Level 1 Emergency (Minor):
- Lab fire (small)
- Equipment malfunction
- Unexpected wildlife
Response: Notify team lead. File incident report within 24 hours.
Level 2 Emergency (Moderate):
- Lab fire (medium-to-large)
- Containment breach (non-sentient)
- Unexpected armed wildlife
Response: Evacuate immediate area. Activate suppression systems. Notify Bossman.
Level 3 Emergency (Severe):
- Lab fire (apocalyptic)
- Containment breach (sentient and angry)
- Someone activated the moonbase thing we're not supposed to talk about
Response: Run. Contact extraction team. Begin documentation for insurance purposes (optimistic, but policy requires it).
SECTION 7: FINAL REMINDERS
[TIMESTAMP: 00:17:52]
Leonard appears again. The plant behind him is no longer on fire. A different plant is now on fire.
LEONARD: Before we wrap up, a few housekeeping items:
-
Expense reports are due by the 15th of each month. "I was saving the world" is not an acceptable reason for late submission. (It has been tried 47 times.)
-
Team bonding activities are mandatory. Yes, even the escape room. No, Primal, you cannot "just go through the wall."
-
If you haven't already, please visit the official Rainsavers site to review your benefits package and emergency contact procedures.
-
Bossman's door is always open. Metaphorically. Physically, it is reinforced steel, and you will need to submit a meeting request 48 hours in advance.
CLOSING STATEMENT
[TIMESTAMP: 00:19:44]
The screen fades to a logo: THE RAINSAVERS in bold letters, surrounded by stylized rainforest imagery. Inspirational music plays. It's slightly off-key.
LEONARD (V.O.): Thank you for completing your mandatory orientation. Remember: we're not just a team. We're a highly irregular collection of individuals with questionable decision-making skills united by a common goal.
And that goal? Saving the planet.
Beat.
LEONARD (V.O.): Probably.
The music swells. The screen cuts to black.
[END OF TRAINING VIDEO]
[POST-CREDITS SCENE]
Static. A single title card appears:
"THIS VIDEO MUST BE RETURNED TO HR WITHIN 7 DAYS. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN ADDITIONAL TRAINING MODULES."
Somewhere, distantly, Alpha sighs.
Want to meet the team that inspired this extremely real, definitely official training video? Head over to rainsavers.com and dive into the adventure. No liability waiver required. (For now.)
